Let me begin with the DVD cover: The only critic review on the entire box cover is one word, "Awesome", written by Harry Knowles of "Ain't It Cool News". If you all know who Harry Knowles is you would know he is not a professional movie reviewer and created his own website to blog about movies and review them. With this in mind, why on earth would his review be on the front cover of this DVD? Perhaps all the big time and credible movie critics such as Leonard Maltin hated this movie? Oh well, you know how the saying goes, "Don't judge a DVD by it's cover."The DVD begins to play movie trailers to "The Last Airbender" and "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen". These two movies have gone down in history as some of the worst movies ever made. This already made me feel even more skeptical about the movie. But hey! It's like the saying goes, "Don't judge a movie by it's opening previews."
The title card for Paramount Pictures had a clang sound effect which resembled that of Law and Order's "dun dun". Very unoriginal. But hey! It's like the saying goes, "Don't judge a movie by it's opening title cards." Oh dear. I am going to need a ton of nacho cheese to get me through this movie. The movie hasn't even begun and I am already anticipating the worst.
The movie finally starts off with the back story of Destro's ancestry roots. Why? I don't know just go with it.
The movie quickly states it takes place in the not too distant future. I guess it has to have some explanation towards the high tech weaponry I am about to witness... which are Nanomites. These Nanomites were created by M.A.R.S. Industries and were initially used to eradicate cancer cells in the human body and are now being used to destroy army tanks and entire civilizations in seconds... Just go with it.
Channing Tatum is introduced as Duke in a slow motion close up of his face. "Ooo! Look at me! I am Channing Tatum! Ooo!" Right off the bat his acting is horrible. He quickly reminded me of John Cena. Now that I think of it, John Cena has superior acting skills compared to Channing Tatum. Tatum sports a weak goatee throughout the movie, which I clearly don't understand because Duke, the action figure, the cartoon character, and the comic book character, does not have any facial hair whatsoever.
Ripcord is played by Marlon Wayans who doesn't look anything like the original Ripcord character in the comics or toy line.
That's it. I give up. I am going to look past the how off the movie characters are to the actual characters and I am going to just review the movie.
Wow. Not even 17 minutes into the movie and the script already threw 2 G.I. Joe cartoon and toy references. "Kung Fu Grip" didn't have to be said in the movie, but the script writers just had to go there. "Knowing is half the battle" was used perfectly; however, there was no PSA that led up to it. I felt cheated.
What's up with The Baroness? Why does her army attire look like it came straight out of a Calvin Klein store? Seriously. Why does she need black rhinestones around her collar line when she is in battle? You know those rhinestones shine and makes you stand out more. "Oh now, don't I look fashionable in battle?" Bang! "Oh no! My $400 coat! How could you?"
Around 22 and a half minutes into the movie, the climatic surprise is spoiled. "When these missiles detonate, the world would look to the most powerful man on the planet." Sounds familiar? After the terrorist attacks in 2001, the world looked to George W. Bush. Bam! Sign me up for G.I. Joe because I just uncovered the entire secret plan. The movie could not have been more obvious about what the secret plan is. I mean you have that one line I just discussed and you see "The Master of Disguise" Zartan (who is a villain) reading about American politics in a private jet plane. So let me guess: Zartan will disguise himself as The U.S. President so when the three missiles detonate across the planet, the people of the world would look towards him for guidance; therefore, the villains have control of the world. General Hawk, consider this my application for acceptance into the G.I. Joe squadron. My codename will be "Vato Loco".
45 minutes into it I have realized the script is a jumbled mess. I did some research and it turns out there were nine authors who wrote the script. Nine! No wonder the script was so garbled. One minute you have exposition on Duke followed by an exposition on The Baroness, which is then followed by action, which is then followed by more exposition on Duke, then action, then exposition on Snake Eyes, then exposition on Scarlet, then OMG! Save me from the movie please!
The big action scene in Paris is quite sad actually because it killed my childhood. How? The introduction of Delta 6 Accelerator Suits. These suits accelerate the G.I. Joes to become better, faster, stronger. G.I. Joes don't need accelerator suits! Each G.I. is unique with their own special area of expertise which they use individually to bring down the evil Cobra terrorist organization. They never needed these robotic suits when they had their own talents. Talents that were never even highlighted in the movie! The only character that actually had his talents highlighted was Snake Eyes... And he wasn't even a main character!
Moving on... The special effects in the movie are weak. The Eiffel Tower gets taken down by green Nanomites. In the scene, the Nanomites resemble a giant acid booger.
The special effects and the continuity are shameful. Every Cobra soldier, who resemble the soliders from the video game "Army of Two", is implanted with Nanomites which destroy their sense of morality, judgement, and pain; therefore, the Cobra soldiers only obey commands given by the Cobra Commander, they have no remorse, and they feel no pain. With this in mind, why do the Cobra soldiers holler in pain when they get shot? Why does Storm Shadow show some sort of remorse when he thinks about how he killed his ninja master? Why does The Baroness have emotions towards Duke? Why does she suddenly decide she doesn't want to be part of Cobra and disobeys orders from Cobra Commander? It does not make sense!
The final climatic battle scene is done underwater... Let me say that again... The final climatic battle scene for "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" is done underwater! Underwater! It's G.I. Joe! Not Aquaman!
Finally, Destro gets his silver face just like in the comic books. The Cobra Commander finally reveals himself (in the most anti-climatic way ever) with a clear Darth Vader helmet. What happened here? The Cobra Commander wore either a cloth over his head or a battle helmet with a silver visor in the comics and toy lines so why such a significant change from this? Simple... Homeboy director obviously did not read the comic books, play with the action figures, or even watched the cartoon.
This movie ends with Zartan disguised as the President of the United States just like I called it 93 minutes earlier!
Just when I thought it was the worst ending ever, the movie decided to take it one step further... "Boom Boom Boom" by The Black Eyed Peas is the song for the end credits.
This movie is bad. So bad. It felt like "Power Rangers: The Movie" meets "Wing Commander" without all the intergalactic adventures. This movie has bad acting, bad visual effects, bad plot, bad organization, bad everything.
Final Verdict: 2 beans out of 5.
Why? Just rent it on Netflix and see for yourself... that's if you can survive the 117 minutes of agonizing pain this movie will inflict on your senses.
Cobra!
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